It’s no secret to anyone who knows me that I have insomnia on a regular basis. I love to sleep, I need a solid 8 hours to function at my best, but I seem to have so much trouble actually going to sleep during normal sleeping hours. I cannot get my mind to shut down. I cannot get the thoughts to stop spinning. I cannot get my heart to be calm. Usually I try to work or read online until I’m just too tired to stay awake. It’s an ugly cycle and something I keep trying to overcome.
Earlier tonight (ok it was after 5am, so technically morning), I had an interesting experience on my personal Facebook account. I won’t go into the details but basically someone I really didn’t know that well and not really sure why we were even “friends” on facebook, made a very rude, totally unfounded comment on a post I made on Facebook and called me of all things a “fear monger” and accused me of encouraging people to NOT help others.
Obviously she didn’t know me at all and had some personal issues related to the topic. I hate that I set her off with a post that was actually intended to of all things, HELP people and warn them about potential danger. (She quickly thereafter unfriended me and after a couple short private messages I have blocked her as I felt based on her replies that was what was best. I did try to be nice and show grace in all my conversations and I told her I had nothing against her and wished her well.)
Though her words deeply upset me to the point of crying (because I just care too much what people think of me, even if their thoughts are not true) I just had to stop and pray and ask God to help me to bless and release. Not always an easy task when you feel like someone is attacking the core of who you are and what you believe, but it is the only way to show grace to those who don’t appear to understand grace.
It didn’t help my struggle to find sleep though. After my blood pressure went back to normal and I calmed down, it got me to thinking though more about fear and that horrible word “fear monger”.
Fear is one of my weaknesses. I think it is a big reason for my insomnia too, or at least it’s cousin “worry” is to blame. The thoughts in my head late at night literally spin and build and make me want to scream sometimes.
I worry about things I know I can’t control or change. I worry about what I didn’t accomplish, what I need to accomplish, what I wonder if I should attempt to accomplish. I worry about what people think of me, about if words I said came across the right way, about disappointing people.
Ever since I had an intruder in my carport a couple months ago, I worry about someone breaking into my house. I worry about the safety of my grandparents who live nearby too. I worry about someone stealing my most treasured possessions when I am not home to protect them.
I worry about the state of our country, the agenda of our government, how things will be in 5, 10 and 20 years from now for us Christians. I worry about having those treasured freedoms and privileges I grew up with taken away.
I worry I am not living up to my potential. I worry I am not being the example I should be as a Christian. I worry that I am just going to continue to be living a “three steps up and two steps back” type of relationship with God.
I know God has a plan for my life grander than I could imagine. I know He will protect and provide for me. He has shown me that over and over and continues to remind me with amazing things like 2 little sparrows that spend the night in my carport from time to time. I know God has everything under control and that me worrying won’t change anything.
So why do I keep worrying? I know all these things in my heart, but my over-rationalizing head has a hard time accepting them sometimes. That is where faith has to come in though. That is when I have to get my thoughts back on Jesus and off of the thoughts that are sure to consume and drown me.
I’m glad to know that I am not the only person who has this struggle. Peter, one of the Disciples had the same problem.
Remember the passage in Matthew 14, when the Disciples and Jesus were out fishing and the water was crazy wild and a storm was brewing? Peter saw Jesus walking on the water and couldn’t believe it. He asked Jesus to prove it was Him and Jesus invited Peter to come take a stroll on the water with Him. Peter did and at first it was awesome, he was walking on water, oh my! Then all of a sudden fear, worry, doubt, all those thoughts about how un-rational this was and how un-capable he was came over Peter. What happened next? He took his eyes off Jesus and he started to drown.
29 And He said, “Come!” And Peter got out of the boat, and walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But seeing the wind, he became frightened, and beginning to sink, he cried out, “Lord, save me!” 31 Immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and took hold of him, and *said to him, “You of little faith, why did you doubt?” Matthew 14:29-31 NASV
Even though Peter doubted, Jesus was still there, still holding him, still in control, still protecting Peter. All Peter had to do was get his eyes back on Jesus.
Even in the midst of doubt, fear and worry, if we will just stop our crazy thinking, stop focusing on our worries, stop letting the real “fear mongers” control us and just keep our eyes or get our eyes back on Jesus, we can keep from drowning too. Ah, what a lesson, what a reminder I needed. What a strange way for God to remind of me these truths.
For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)
“Oh Lord that I would remember this every waking minute of every day. I pray you will remind me to return and keep my eyes on you when I start to doubt and fear. I pray you would help me to not over think, not over rationalize, not over worry and to just have faith and keep my focus on you, your truths and your mercy. I thank you for continuing to save me from drowning and I pray for this person especially that you will heal her heart and for all the others who are drowning to turn their eyes to you.”
What are the “fear mongers” in your life? Do you struggle with worrying and keeping your eyes on Jesus too? You are not alone and you don’t have to over think it all, just remember to have faith and keep your eyes on Jesus. This is something I will be working on changing in my life and my prayer is that this encourages you to do the same.
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Two things:
Dont worry about that lady. She obviously had some other issues. I read that post amd saw it a cautionary tale. You are by no means a fearmongerer.
Haters honna hate.
And two: Beautiful post.
Yep… Once my blood pressure dropped and I could think straight I knew her words weren’t true and she obviously didn’t know me at all. Thank you for the sweet comment.
Misty- I tweeted this. It is something I am most proud to know you for- your Faith and sharing it. I support you, and am glad to see you coming around to trusting Christ with all those worries. I had to remember that all things I worry about losing- important and unimportant are things that He has given to me, and if He sees fit to take them away even in the short term, I need to trust His plans and lean on him more. Hugs!!
Thanks Jessica.
I’m always trying to turn the negative into positive somehow. What you said is true harder to do sometimes but it’s what we are supposed to go. Hugs back & grateful to know you too!
I have to admit -I’m not a religious person. I like the idea – but almost all of the “religious” or “faithful” people I’ve known were so negative. And the churches we’ve tried over the year have all been the type that want to tell everyone what they’re doing wrong, judge those who are unlike them. and condemn everyone. Which obviously is NOT my type of mindset.
But I do think it’s awesome when people are able to find some good there, and have it make them feel better, stronger, bigger!
And, I know the exact conversation on FB you’re talking about. I was SO shocked that someone could say that to anyone – and especially you. I only know you in “real life” a little bit {but am SO glad I did get to meet you!} – but between that, and talking to you online, it’s so overwhelmingly obvious what a good heart you have, what a sweet person you are, and the kindness just kind of radiates around you. I mean it.
I wish we’d gotten to spend more time together at Reviewer’s Retreat – but I’m sure we’ll run into each other again. And I’m so glad I read this article tonight, and hope you’re feeling better now!
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Thanks Meagan! Wish we had had more time to hang out too & I think you are pretty awesome as well! Not sure if I’ll make it to any conferences this year or not but if I do we will make it a point to hang out!
I am good now, I was good shortly after, just had to wait for my blood pressure to come down, lol… I can be way too defensive and quick tempered when I feel attacked.
As for religion, you are right there are a lot of not so nice people who claim to believe in God or to be Christ followers. I’ve experienced it and see it all the time. I heard Billy Graham say once: “The greatest single cause of atheism in the world today is Christians who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.” And that is so true.
I don’t really believe in “religion” or defining myself to one particular denomination or title. My faith is a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and it has made all the difference in my life. I don’t try to push my faith or beliefs on anyone, I just try to live it and hope it shows in my talk and my walk and am always humbled when someone does see it.
I’m not perfect, I fail miserably every day, I have regrets and baggage in my life just like everyone else and I can be the biggest hypocrite out there. I am just a sinner grateful for God’s saving grace.
I have friends from all walks of life, beliefs and lifestyle choices and even if I disagree with what they believe or how they live their lives, I just try to get along with everyone and show the same respect, love and tolerance as I would like to have shown to me / towards me and my own beliefs too.
Thanks for your kind words, support & friendship!
Hi Misty,
I am a worrier by nature too, but luckily it does not affect my sleep. I am so sorry about that lady who said that. That is something that would have definitely ate away at me as well. You did the absolute right thing where she is concerned.
I like praying at night when I go to bed – it is very calming for me and a very quiet time to spend with God. In fact it is so calming, since it is dark and my eye’s are closed, I usually fall asleep. He will hold you up through your worries. Like you said, keep your focus on Him and He will take care of you.
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Thank you Jodi for the kind comments. Sometimes I wish I could just hit a button and turn my mind off at night, lol… It’s been raining for 4 days straight here too which hasn’t helped, I am totally affected by weather like that. I need to turn my computer off at night and spend more time in prayer, definitely convicted about that!